Body-Shaming and Sexuality
A gay man in his 60s with a larger body is shamed by staff for his size and dismissed when his partner visits. He feels ashamed and alone.
The scenario
Mr. Bouchard is 63 and lives in your retirement home. He is a larger man — he has been his whole life. He is also gay, and his partner of 15 years, Réjean, visits most evenings. Mr. Bouchard has mobility challenges related to his size and uses a walker. He is generally cheerful, but lately he has been quieter.
Over the past month, several comments have stacked up. A PSW said during a transfer, “No wonder you need the lift — we all need a break after you.” Another, seeing his dinner tray, remarked, “You should eat less, my friend. No wonder you are alone so much.” When Réjean visited last week, a staff member at the desk said, “Oh, he has a friend? Good for him,” with a smirk. Mr. Bouchard heard it.
Yesterday he declined his shower for the third time this week. He told a kind PSW, quietly, “I do not want anyone touching me. They all think I am disgusting.”
The challenge
What makes this hard—and what is at stake.
What makes this hard is that the harm is disguised as banter and “health advice.” Staff may genuinely believe they are being playful or helpful. But each comment ties his body to his worth, and then ties his sexuality to the idea that he is lucky anyone visits him at all. The body-shaming and the homophobia feed each other, and he is left feeling that his body is a burden and his relationship is a punchline.
The stakes are high and concrete: he is refusing care. When a resident starts avoiding showers and personal care because staff have made him feel disgusting, his health is at risk. This is no longer just about feelings — it is a care-quality and dignity crisis, and it was caused by the team.
Your response
What would you do in this moment?
Take a moment to think about how you would respond. There is no “right” answer—just your thoughtful response. Type it below before you look at the possible approaches.
The fact that you are thinking about this shows you care.
Possible responses
Not “right” vs “wrong”—more helpful and less helpful. Reveal them one at a time, or all at once.
People are trying their best—including the staff in the less helpful approaches. Learning takes practice. You are doing the right thing by thinking this through.
What matters most
Key takeaways
- Comments about a resident’s body are never banter. They cause real harm — including refused care and health risk.
- Body-shaming and homophobia stack. When both show up, the resident feels their body and their love are both unwelcome.
- Name the consequence to the team: “a resident is refusing care because of what was said.” Real impact is harder to dismiss than principle.
- Document the cause, not just the symptom. “Declined care because of staff comments” tells the truth and makes the pattern fixable.
Reflection & discussion
Conversation starters for your team huddle
These are not interrogations—they are ways to talk together about what would help.
- Have you heard a “joke” about a resident’s body that you let slide? What would you do now?
- How would you respond if a resident told you they felt “disgusting” to the staff caring for them?
- What is one clear rule your team could adopt today about comments on residents’ bodies?
- How can we make it safe for a resident to tell us when care feels disrespectful?
Related resources
Keep practicing
Assumptions About a Racialized Person with Mobility Challenges