Infantilization of a Trans Person with Intellectual Disability
A trans man in his 30s with an intellectual disability is infantilized by staff who decide he “doesn’t really understand gender.” He is left out of his own decisions.
The scenario
Jordan is 34. He is a trans man — he has known he is a man since his teens and has lived as one for over a decade. He also has an intellectual disability and lives in a supported group home. He uses he/him and the name Jordan. He is verbal, makes his preferences known, and has a supported decision-making process with his circle of support. He is not a child, and he does not need others to decide who he is.
A new staff member has started referring to Jordan as “sweetie” and “good girl,” and has been using she/her in the communication book. When a colleague gently corrects her, she says, “I just don’t think he really understands gender, you know? With his disability, I’m not sure it’s real for him. I’ll call him whatever, but I don’t think he gets it.” At a support meeting, the same staff member talks over Jordan and tells the team, “He doesn’t really mind what we call him.”
Jordan does mind. He told a staff member he trusts: “She talks to me like I am a baby and calls me a girl. I am not a girl. I told her and she did not listen. Nobody asks me what I think. They decide for me.”
The challenge
What makes this hard—and what is at stake.
This is hard because the staff member may believe she is being gentle and protective. The idea that a person with an intellectual disability “doesn’t really understand” their own gender is a common and deeply harmful assumption — it strips people of their identity by deciding their disability cancels their self-knowledge. Two forms of bias are working together: ableism (people with intellectual disabilities are not full adults) and transphobia (this person’s gender is not “real”).
The stakes are autonomy and dignity. Jordan is being spoken for, spoken over, and misgendered, and the justification is his disability. If the team accepts “he doesn’t really understand gender,” they have given themselves permission to override his identity whenever it is convenient. The fix has to protect both his gender and his right to be heard.
Your response
What would you do in this moment?
Take a moment to think about how you would respond. There is no “right” answer—just your thoughtful response. Type it below before you look at the possible approaches.
The fact that you are thinking about this shows you care.
Possible responses
Not “right” vs “wrong”—more helpful and less helpful. Reveal them one at a time, or all at once.
People are trying their best—including the staff in the less helpful approaches. Learning takes practice. You are doing the right thing by thinking this through.
What matters most
Key takeaways
- An intellectual disability does not cancel a person’s gender. People with intellectual disabilities know who they are. Believe them.
- “He doesn’t really understand gender” is ableism and transphobia working together. Name it as one false assumption.
- When a person with a disability is being spoken over, hand them the floor and act on what they say. They are the authority on their own life.
- No team gets to decide a resident’s gender for them. The resident’s word is the answer.
Reflection & discussion
Conversation starters for your team huddle
These are not interrogations—they are ways to talk together about what would help.
- How would you respond to a colleague who said a resident “doesn’t really understand” their own identity?
- Have you seen a person with an intellectual disability get spoken over in a meeting about their own life?
- What would it look like to centre Jordan in a conversation about how he is addressed?
- How can our team make sure casual and agency staff get the right name and pronouns from day one?
Related resources
FAQs
Tools
Keep practicing
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